Now they know...

I have been miserable for the last few years while I have been trying to hear God's calling. At first, only Morgan knew about my struggles. After we moved to Decatur, most of our new found friends learned of my struggle. I got more and more frustrated and finally I went to see a funny farm specialist (that is what I call a counselor). Then I started this blog to help me in this struggle so many of you learned of it. Finally, after many teary conversations with my counselor, Morgan, and with God, it was time for me to face my dad.

This may sound cliche, but I honestly was worried that by telling my dad that I hated my very successful job that I would in some way be letting him down. My dad should understand, more than anyone, because he quit his successful job and brought me and my mom and my brother to the village apartments so he could follow his calling just 24 years ago. However, I think it was the fact that he had done this that scared me most.

All my life, as most kids do, I have strived to make my parents proud of me. Deep inside I know that they could not be prouder of me, but for some unexplainable reason, I still have that childish need to please them. My dad calls it the 'first born curse'. That my role in our family is to please everyone, no matter the sacrifices I make for myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe I 'sacrificed' anything, but I know that my dad isn't too far off in his psychological analysis of my behavior. I always have and still do try my hardest to make my family proud of me. Further, I go out of my way to 'not rock the boat' and to try and make everything easier on everyone else but me. I believe it is one of my many gifts. I have always enjoyed, not only with my family but also with my friends, being the person who does the organizing and logistics so that no one else has to worry with it. In college, I was treasurer of my fraternity and I gained the most satisfaction from standing at the back of a band party and watching everyone have a good time at the best band party on campus partly because I had been so fiscally efficient. I am normally the person who organizes family logistics at holidays. Most recently I even planned the spring break trip for all of our friends to Montreat. It is in my nature; 'First born curse' or is it a gift.

Anyways, I digress. So, I was at a breaking point and I could barely function I was so caught up in trying to discern Gods path for me. And to top it all off, I was scared to talk to my dad about it. Finally, last Tuesday I sent him an email (several pages long) highlighting (or lowlighting depending on if you are half-glass full or half-empty kind of guy) my past few years and what I have been struggling with. I spoke of how hard a struggle it was to leave a good JOB to do something GOOD as a job. I then asked him to email that he received the email and to tell me a good time that we could chat that night so I could call him. I emailed him first because I wanted him to have time to think and digest before just saying the first thing out of his mouth or, even worse, not saying anything at all. When I told my parents I wanted to ask Morgan to marry me, my dad was silent and couldn't speak. Also, when we told my parents that we were moving to Decatur so Morgan could attend seminary, neither of my parents could speak. At the time, I felt as though their silence was disappointment. I later learned that it just caught them off guard and that they needed time to digest these 'life changing' events. My parents love Morgan (sometimes I think more than me, j/k) and they absolutely know that Columbia was the right thing for Morgan. So, the email was to give my dad some time to digest so that I didn't hear silence on the other end of the phone.

That night I talked to my dad, and he quickly took control of the conversation. Surprisingly to me, he knew that I had been struggling with this and he knew that the day would come when I would decide to do something different in my life. He was fully supportive and loving and proud. That phone call has gotten me through the last week and it might keep me going for some while now. Most of the things he said, I had already come to on my own, but the one thing I knew already but was ignoring whole-heartedly was that no matter how hard I prayed and how hard I tried to listen to God, whatever it is that is supposed to happen will NOT happen on my time, but will happen on GOD's time. I know this, yet my 2 years of struggling and impatience had gotten the better of me. I wanted to know NOW! I wanted Morgan to go to Jacksonville and for me to have some alone time with God and for God to tell me NOW what it was that I am supposed to do. I wanted it on my time and now I know I must continue to wait and probably at the moment I least expect is when God is going to sneak up on me from behind and whisper in my ear.

So, what is the moral of this story? Look both ways before you cross the street.

Sorry, that is the punch line to my 'Purple Passion' joke. If you ever care to hear it, get a few beers in me (and you if you want to find it funny) and I will be happy to tell it.

The moral is two fold: 1)Your parents love you and will support you, but you won't know that unless you talk to them. 2)Your time is NOT God's time, so be patient, pray, and enjoy the life you have been given.

Peace Out,

Wormser

PS- 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was...'